How to Reach Out and Help Someone
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I knew my friend was hurting. I could read it in her texts. I could hear it in her words. I could feel it in her voice.
Her marriage was fragile. It had been tense for some time—unhealthy patterns, broken communication, loss of intimacy.
She was crying out for help, but I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to say. It was important for me to support her, to encourage her, to reassure her that she wasn’t alone. I wanted to walk alongside her, but I didn’t know how. I didn’t feel equipped or trained.
I was at a loss.
What Do We Do When Our Friend or Family Member Needs Help?
In a recent interview with See Beyond’s Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), Timothy Reid, I was able to ask him for some advice.
See Beyond: What are some of the warning signs and symptoms that our family member, friend, or colleague is hurting and needs help?
Tim: Some signs to look for:
Sighing
Withdrawing
Increased complaining about “little” things
Seeing only the worst possible outcomes
Being more irritable
Constant overgeneralizing—using “always, never, nothing” language
People (especially men) may display a shorter fuse, seem more aggressive, or rant about seemingly insignificant things.
In severe situations, you may hear someone say things like, “I can’t take any more,” or “It’s too much for me.”
See Beyond: How can we reach out to our family member or friend in a way that they won’t take offense and resist our offer to help?
Tim: There’s no guarantee here, but here are some steps you can take:
Appeal to the relationship. Start off addressing them in a personal way such as “Dad,” "Mary, you’re such a good friend,” or “Tom, we’ve been friends a long time.”
Let them know that you’re concerned about them and one observable behavior you’ve specifically noticed to make you concerned. For example, don’t say, “You’ve been so depressed lately,” but rather, “I’ve noticed you aren’t taking your typical morning walks.”
Ask them, “How are you, really?” and just wait for their answer. If they say they are “fine,” you’ll have to follow your gut. Even just asking “Really?” again can let them know you care and are willing to listen.
You can share another behavior you noticed that raises your concern and ask again, or you can just let them know that you are available if they want to talk sometime. Either way, if they don’t want to talk, affirm the importance of your relationship with them. You can say something like, “I really value our friendship,” or “You are important to me.”
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See Beyond: How can we best help and support them?
Tim: Be present and listen without correcting or criticizing. Say something to acknowledge the distress they’ve been experiencing. It’s okay to tell them you’ve struggled, too, but don’t tell them about a time when you were struggling unless they ask. Instead, keep the focus on them.
Also, don’t be the solution—instead, help them find solutions for themselves when possible. This empowers them, rather than making them dependent on you.
Some helpful questions might be:
When have you felt like this before?
What did you do then that helped you?
What can you do now?
What will you do?
See Beyond: What signs can we look for to know when our friend’s situation is beyond our ability to help?
Tim: One sign might be that it seems no matter how much you give, they always need or want more. Another might be talking about the same things repeatedly but not seeing change or attempts at change from them. In worst case scenarios, you may see signs of suicidal thinking.
There are more signs than just hearing them say they wish life was over. The National Institute Of Mental Health has a good list of signs to watch for and suggestions on how to respond.
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See Beyond: How should I respond if I see signs of suicidal thinking?
Tim: Take them seriously! At the same time, know that just talking about it doesn’t mean that they are going to go through with it. Asking and talking about it is not going to increase the probability that they will act on it.
If you’ve seen signs of suicidal thinking or behavior, ask them about it. Acknowledge how down and hopeless they seem to be feeling and ask directly if they’ve had any thoughts of ending their life.
If they say “no”:
Point out the (specific behaviors) you have noticed.
Remind them you care about them.
Ask again.
If they still say “no,” then ask them to promise to tell you if they ever start thinking that way. Suicidal thinking is an indication of how much pain they are feeling.
If they say “yes”:
Acknowledge that they must be hurting terribly and you didn’t realize how much.
Don’t tell them that they shouldn’t feel like that, shame them, or tell them all they have to live for.
Ask them to promise you not to hurt themselves. It isn’t so much the promise as it is you letting them know how much they mean to you and how devastated you and others would be if they ever acted on their thoughts.
Help them think of which family member they need to tell and where to get help.
Offer to help them get help if needed.
Encourage them to talk with someone on a suicide prevention hotline. If they refuse, do so yourself. If it’s determined by the hotline that they are at high risk, make sure someone is always with them or get them to an emergency room.
If they’ve shared how they plan to end their life, remove any means for carrying out their plan.
If they have talked to you about their situation and let you help them, there is a good chance they will be okay if they get professional help.
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See Beyond: If my friend or family member is getting professional help, what is my role in supporting them?
Tim: This can be tricky. You’ve invested in helping and may feel a right to know how things are progressing. Don’t assume that right. Feel free to ask, but be ready to respect their privacy. Counseling is a very personal thing.
Maybe ask something like:
“How’s counseling going?
“What would you like to tell me about it?”
“What’s something meaningful about counseling so far?”
“What do you like about your counselor?”
If you notice a change in them, by all means mention it. You can also offer to let them process their counseling sessions or homework with you.
If they were hesitant to get counseling, encourage them to keep at it. Affirm them for their courage, or let them know that they are worth getting cared for.
See Beyond: What are your final thoughts on what you hope people remember?
Tim: As someone coming alongside, it can help to remember:
Take care of yourself by keeping some margin in your own life.
Keep routine, fun, rest, and laughter in your life.
Learn one thing that you know you can say to someone in need.
Don’t let the fear of saying the “wrong” thing keep you from saying anything at all.
Help without taking on the burden that you have to “solve” whatever is going on.
Be realistic about what you can offer. If you are inviting regular connection with them, don’t promise more than you can give.
There is some practical advice on WebMD for people who are struggling. Become familiar with their ideas under What to Do If You're Struggling? See which of these your friend might want to try, and offer to do it with them.
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Ready to Respond
Before talking to Timothy, I honestly didn’t know where to start, what to say, or what to do to help my friend and my father.
I needed a road map. Now, I have one.
It’s going to be a journey . . . a journey of walking alongside them. They are hurting, and I want to reach out and help.
Today, I’m going to text my friend and invite her out to lunch this week. I know the first steps. I know what to do, what to say. I don’t know where the road will take us, but I know the first steps to take.
I am no longer at a loss.
I’m ready to reach out and help someone.
What about you? Who around you is hurting and in need of help? What can you do to take those first steps and reach out?
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