Breaking Down Barriers to Connection: How to Speak Someone Else's Love Language

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

“I love you,” I said. “Do you love me?”

“I do, but I don’t know how to say it,” he replied.

“What do you mean you don’t know how?” I asked.

“I never heard those words when I was a child. I don’t know how to say it,” he continued. “It feels awkward.”

He gave me flowers. That was nice, but what I really wanted was his touch. I wanted him to hold me in his arms.

I draped my arms around my son’s shoulder. He pulled away uncomfortably.

“Mom, can we go out for ice cream tomorrow after my soccer game, just you and me?” he asked me with a big grin.

More than anything, he wanted to spend time with me.

“Can I make dinner for your family this weekend?” my friend texted. “I know you’ve had your hands full these past days.”

“That would be nice,” I told her. “Can you join us for dinner at the same time? I would love to spend some time catching up.”

Different Homes, Different Families, Different Personalities

I have spent countless hours learning foreign languages—French, Arabic, and Spanish. Little did I know that I was not at the end of my language learning days.

I grew up in a family that said “I love you” all the time. My mother and my grandparents affirmed me and built me up with an abundance of words of encouragement. We also hugged each other often. Touch and physical affection were a natural part of my daily life.

That’s how I received love. That’s also how I gave love. That’s what I learned. I didn’t know any different.

My husband, on the other hand, was raised in an entirely different environment. His parents never expressed that they loved him with words; however, he never doubted their love. He watched his parents serve each other, care for one another, and take care of each others’ needs. They also loved to give each other gifts, especially surprise gifts. 

That’s how my husband received love. That’s also how he gave love. That’s what he learned. He didn’t know any different.

How we receive love and how we give love isn’t only based on our home and family environments. It is also directly connected to our personality type.

For example, I am an extrovert and highly expressive with my words. Saying “I love you” or encouraging others with my words comes naturally for me. On the other hand, my husband is more of an introvert and internal processor. He loves to help and serve people behind the scenes.

Different homes, different families, different personalities. 

Photo by Elizabeth Tsung on Unsplash

Language Barriers

When we got married, it sounded like we were speaking the same language—English—but it seemed like we were miscommunicating all the time. 

Why?

We weren’t speaking each other’s heart language . . . each other’s love language.

I often tried to reach out to touch and hug my husband and to speak words of love and encouragement. I tried to love my husband in the way I had learned to be loved and felt comfortable loving.

What was the problem?

He didn’t receive my love. 

Why? 

Because that wasn’t his love language. There was a love language barrier between us.

Likewise, my husband often fixed me nice dinners, helped me clean the house, or gave me surprise presents. Those were nice gestures, but they didn’t make me feel loved. 

Why? 

Because that wasn’t my love language. There was a love language barrier between us. I wanted words and affection, not surprises and nice dinners.

We seemed to be missing something, with each other and with our children, too. We soon discovered that each of our kids were unique, with their own personalities. As a result, each of our four children had a different heart language. We were going to have to observe, listen, and identify their love languages and learn how to speak them. If not, our children were not going to fully receive our love.

What are the 5 Love Languages?

According to Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages, there are five primary love languages:

1. Quality Time: “This language is all about giving the other person your undivided attention.”

2. Acts of Service: “For these people, actions speak louder than words.”

3. Physical Affection: “To this person, nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate physical touch.”

4. Words of Affirmation: “This language uses words to affirm other people.”

5. Receiving Gifts: “For some people, receiving a heartfelt gift is what makes them feel most loved.”

Go here to watch a short, one-minute video clip that explains each of the 5 Love Languages in more detail. 

Photo by Désirée Fawn on Unsplash

What Language Do I Speak?

Chapman encourages us to identify our own love language(s) and each other’s love language(s) in order to reduce conflict and to strengthen all of our relationships.

“Different people with different personalities give and receive love in different ways. By learning to recognize these preferences in yourself and in your loved one, you can learn to identify the root of your conflicts, connect more profoundly, and truly begin to grow closer.”

Who wouldn’t want that?

I have seen the fruit of this with my spouse and with my children. As I have learned to break down barriers and learn to love them—not as I like to be loved, but as they like to be loved—it has made a huge difference in our connection and intimacy. 

It’s like I’m speaking their “mother tongue.” It’s their “mother love language.” It’s comfortable, it’s natural, and it makes them feel loved—truly loved.

Take this fun and short quiz to identify your own love language(s). It will help you understand how you most naturally like to receive and give love. Encourage your spouse, your children, your friends, your parents, etc. to also take the quiz. This will help you become aware of their love language(s) and know how they best receive love. Likewise, you can tell them what your love language is, and that will help them learn how to love you better.

Maybe tomorrow, my husband will reach out of his comfort zone and shower me with hugs and words. For my part, I’d better get ready to prepare his favorite meal and surprise him with that set of tools he’s been wanting!

Click below for a quick video clip that explains “The 5 Love Languages”.