Can You Change How You Think? Find Hope and Forge New Pathways in Your Brain

Photo by Robina Weermeijer on Unsplash

As a little girl, the conflict in my home often came with violence. My stepfather was an alcoholic, and when things were fine, he was a teddy bear. However, when things didn’t go his way, it got ugly. Along the way, I learned that disagreements were dangerous.   

Today, even though intellectually I know that my friends, colleagues, and family members would never consider hitting me, I can still feel that sensation of being unsafe or threatened when a disagreement or conflict arises. 

While one part of my brain knows I’m safe, there is an implicit memory that continues to yell “Danger, Danger!”  

I’ve asked myself plenty of times, “Can I really change how I think?” 

In the past, it felt impossible . . . until I learned how the brain works.

How the Brain Forms Thoughts

There is a lot of mystery around the nature of thought, but one thing we know is that our thoughts are formed through a series of neural connections—a neural pathway. This is a string of nerve cells that “light up” together. It’s a little like how Google Maps lights up the path in blue on your map after you’ve told it where you want to go. That line represents a thought.   

Your mind works a lot like Google Maps in that it likes to take the easiest, most direct, and most commonly-used path. In Tunisia, our map app once told us to cut across an empty lot with a train track running through it. It was direct, but not a good idea. 

In our brains, the path we most often take is the one we’ve taken before. Sadly, unlike my map app, my brain has a negativity bias. This sad truth means that I’m apt to believe the bad, the ugly, and wrong things so much more easily than believing what is true, honorable, right, pure, or good.

However, neural pathways can be changed. We used to believe that brains were set in stone after adulthood, but now science is very clear on a concept called neuroplasticity. This is the idea that our neural pathways can be shaped and changed. 

Donald Hebb, a Canadian neuropsychologist, coined the phrase “Neurons that fire together, wire together.” This nerdy axiom asserts that once we think something, it’s easier to think it again. When we think something often, that thought gets “wired.” The more we think it, the stronger the wiring becomes.  

Personally, I have pretty strong wiring that says “Chocolate is awesome,” “My mother wouldn’t like that,” and “I’m not a good cook.” 

Consider these images of paths in the woods: 

Which path would most people choose to take? Yes, it’s probably D. It’s well-used, wide, and easy to take. Could you take path B or C? Yes, but they take more work. Could you forge a new path by choosing A? Absolutely, but you’ll need to work hard to create a new path. 

Practical Implications: How Do We Change Our Thinking?

Have you noticed how your map app will keep trying to get you back to that original path, even for miles and miles, when you intentionally go a different way than it chooses for you? Our brains are like that, too. Once we do the work of saying no to our old thinking and developing a new thought, after long enough, a new path emerges. The more we follow that new path, the easier it is to take the next time (at least for our brains, I’m not sure that works for your map app). 

If every time I am faced with a new challenge to tackle, I say to myself, “I can’t do that. I’m not good enough to accomplish that,” I’m walking back over a negative neural pathway, making it easier to think the same way again. 

If, however, I choose to say, “That looks hard, but I’m going to try. I’ve done things like this before,” or even, “I’m going to break this down into smaller pieces that feel manageable,” it’s like I’m cutting down the bushes and creating a new path. 

While it might feel really hard, or even feel untrue, during the initial forays down a new path, that new path will eventually widen and you will begin to believe your new thinking. This makes it especially important to consider what new thinking will be both true and helpful to you. 

We can choose to overcome our negativity bias and focus on the positive, as well as what we are grateful for. Instead of “I failed again,” we can choose a growth mindset and say, “I learned a way not to do that next time,” or, “I haven’t learned how to do that yet,” or, “It’s time to get some help with that one!”   

We have the power to change our thinking.

It may feel strange and "wrong" to our mind when we begin this new way of thinking, but it will get easier over time. Little by little, our brain will start to believe it is true. We have to remember that our negative thoughts are not inherently true, and our positive thoughts are not inherently false, even if we feel like they are.

How I’ve Changed

I’ve put these principles into practice over the last decade or so, and while I occasionally still hear, “Danger, danger!” in my head when disagreements arise, that voice is quieter and shouts out to me less frequently. I rarely hear it with my closest working partners any longer.   

As I’ve worked to change my neural pathways, I’ve become more confident, less anxious and fearful about interpersonal conflict, and I blame others less often for my stressors. 

Just this morning, I was doing laundry. I’d asked my husband last night to put his dirty clothes in the hamper for the next day's wash. When he got out of the shower this morning, he said he was bummed that his workout clothes couldn't be washed, because the last load was already in. I had a strong negative reaction, and my old neural pathway–assuming that he was disappointed and blaming me–kicked in. I got defensive. An argument ensued.  

Shortly after that, while reading a novel, I was reminded that our argument stemmed completely from my interpretation, following my old neural pathway. If I had heard in my head, “He’s bummed that he missed the last load,” instead of, “He’s disappointed and he’s blaming me,” we would have never gotten into an argument. I would have let it go. 

I now have the opportunity to begin widening the neural pathway I’ve been working on for several years. I’m hoping to rewire it to become, “Just because he’s upset, doesn’t mean it’s my fault.”

I’m so grateful that our minds were created to have neuroplasticity (partially because that word is fun to say), and that I’m not stuck forever thinking and believing the same old things, with their negative, unhelpful bent. 

Check out this video on how neural pathways are formed. The theme is sports; however, the same principles are true for changing our thinking and behaviors in any area of life.