9 Terrific Ways to Help Your Children Share Their Stories
Photo by Ann Danilina on Unsplash
Shell shock.
We sat together as a family in our living room, facing our new reality.
We had just received some difficult news that would deeply affect our family—each one of us—from the oldest to the youngest. We would all be affected in different ways, but, in any case, we all had to walk this road. We all had to digest our new reality. We had no choice.
Our family was suddenly thrown back onto the “Unending Bridge of Transition.”
Just as my spouse and I would need to process the unexpected news that was rocking our world, each of our kids—of all ages—had to process in their own way.
Our new reality was that we couldn’t return to our “home” overseas. Our house, our belongings, our schools, our friends, our work—our entire life—was on the other side of the ocean. We couldn’t go back.
Who would help us and our children work through our questions, our fears, our confusion, our sadness? Who would help us walk down the long and dark road to reach a point where we could accept something that we didn’t want, but couldn’t change?
We had heard of “debriefing”, hoping that perhaps we could find some good resources. Thankfully, through some friends, we were able to find someone who was trained to do a “family debriefing.” Unfortunately, it couldn’t happen for several months.
In the meantime, my spouse and I had each other to talk to in order to process our thoughts and feelings—at an “adult” level. But we were watching our kids hurt, watching them struggle, and we didn’t know how to help them.
The last thing we wanted was for our kids to bottle up their emotions and thoughts—their story—only to wreak havoc and explode down the road.
We didn’t know what to do. We didn’t know how to encourage our children to open up and share their stories. We needed advice and help.
Photo by Stavrialena Gontzou on Unsplash
Helpful Tips
Here are some ideas and tips that we wish we would have had back then to help our kids. These suggestions have been gathered from various experts on the topic of encouraging our hurting kids to open up.
Kids at different ages process emotions differently. Older children will be able to easily process verbally; whereas, younger children will need more help to process (art, media, pictures, etc.)
1. Ask Directly: If we create a space that is safe and respectful, we will have permission to ask our kids direct questions. “Is something wrong?” or, in our case, “How are you feeling about the news we just heard?” It’s best not to avoid the topic when we know our kids are hurting.
2. Use Open-Ended Questions: Asking “How are you feeling about the news we just heard?” opens the door to further conversation than a “yes” or “no” question like, “Are you upset?” or “Are you feeling sad about the news we just heard?” Before we ask the question, ask ourselves, “Is this an open-ended or closed question?”
3. Give Them Needed Space: Your child may not be ready to open up and talk about it. Personality can be a factor, or they just may need some space to process their emotions on their own.
“Many boys and girls need to sit with an emotion like sadness, and then with your assistance (when they are ready), learn to let it go (talk about it). But giving a child the space and allowing them the time they need to feel strong enough or comfortable enough to talk about it is very respectful.”
— Maureen Healy, author of the Emotionally Healthy Child
4. Show Empathy: Open up and tell your child about your own feelings, especially if you have experienced something similar. It is also helpful to tell your child how talking about it has helped you personally. In our situation, I could have said to my child, “I’m really sad about not going back to our home. I don’t understand why all of this is happening, and it’s confusing. It has really helped me to talk to Daddy about my feelings and get some of it off my chest.” Being vulnerable with our own feelings can sometimes open doors for our kids to share their story.
5. Listen: We may be quick to give advice and to try to “fix” our kids’ problems. Sometimes this can close the door—especially with our teens. May we be “slow to speak and quick to listen.” Dr. Leman, author of “When Our Kids Are Hurting,” says to be very gentle when giving advice to hurting children and to ask permission to share ideas. Try to listen from our kids’ shoes and use “other centered listening.”
6. Use Images: Sometimes it’s hard for us to put words to our feelings—adults and children. This is especially the case for younger children whose language centers of the brain aren’t fully developed. Using pictures can help children identify and communicate what is going on inside their hearts and minds. Older children and teens (and adults!) may find See Beyond’s emotion chart helpful in finding new words to express their feelings.
The technique of using pictures to help communicate feelings also works well to help children process goodbyes and other major life transitions.
7. Use Media: This can be a great technique to help younger children, under age 8, who cannot differentiate between real life and what they see on TV.
Maureen Healy suggests finding a cartoon character that your child likes—one who perhaps expressed and talked about his or her emotions.
“Remember when SpongeBob was sad and didn't leave the Krusty Krab for days?” You can continue: “Do you feel this way?” “In what ways are you like SpongeBob?” or “What do you think about that?”
8. Be Creative Together: Many therapists agree that being creative together is the best way to get kids to open up. Children tend to get lost in doing something that they enjoy: painting, playing with play-dough, strumming a guitar, doing a puzzle. They relax, feel comfortable, and then . . . they open up and share what’s on their mind. By entering into “their world of play,” we can connect with them in an authentic way. They will feel safe and distracted enough to “spill the beans.”
9. Ask other trusted adults (friends, family members, or a professional) to help to draw the story out of your kids. Let them keep it confidential—unless they hear about harm to self/others.
Unfortunately, at the time of our family crisis, we didn’t have this advice, these tools, this help. Our family went through a “family debriefing” for a few days with some trained professionals. It was helpful, but we needed to engage our kids in an ongoing dialogue about what was going on inside of their hearts and minds.
Our kids have stories to tell—some that rock their world and break their hearts.
May we all learn how to encourage our children to share their stories—with us and with the rest of the world!
Works Cited
https://www.crosswalk.com/family/parenting/how-parents-can-effectively-help-their-hurting-kids.html
For other helpful resources to encourage your kids to share their stories, see Kaleidoscope. https://www.kldscp.org/
Guest author, Marci Renée, along with her French husband and four boys, is a global nomad who has traveled to more than 30 countries and has lived in the United States, France, Morocco, and Spain. She loves to travel, speak foreign languages, experience different cultures, eat ethnic foods, meet people from faraway lands, and of course, write and tell stories. She is a published author of children's picture books, memoirs, short stories, and poetry.
You can find Marci and her books on her website.
"The Cultural Story-Weaver," at www.culturalstoryweaver.com