Avoid These 6 Mindsets To Be Less Lonely
Photo by Sasha Freemind on Unsplash
Are you lonely? You’re not alone!
It was a warm spring day, and we were having tea at a nice “salon de thé.”
“Honestly, I’m so lonely,” she shared.*
“There seem to be lots of other moms you could connect with, so what’s going on?” I asked.
“Yes, but the expat moms—they’re all so busy. I can’t really ask them to meet up. They have so much other stuff going on. When I hear them share about their lives, I just think, ‘There’s no time to add anything more. I can’t ask.’”
I wasn’t sure what to say as I heard her share. The day before, I’d had an almost identical conversation with two other moms in her city who she actually knows, but I’m bound by confidentiality. I couldn’t really say, “You know, so-and-so is also lonely. You should call her.”
“If busyness wasn’t an issue, who would you like to get to know?” I asked instead.
No surprise here. She named one of the women I had spoken to just the day before.
*This is a compiled, rather than individual, story.
Six Mindsets that Contribute to Loneliness
There are six mindsets that significantly contribute to our loneliness. Do you struggle with any of these?
1. “No one would like me if they knew the real me.”
Something about our culture, or maybe it’s our human nature, leads us to believe that the nice clothes and pretty smiles we first see are indicators that there is nothing difficult, ugly, or even unpleasant inside that other person. But we know what is inside of us, so it feels too risky to get to know someone. We fear that they will run when they know the real us.
If only we could put on a pair of special glasses and see that we all worry about this. One friend of mine, while speaking to a group of 40-60-year-olds, said, “We’re all really just 12-year-olds inside, still dealing with insecurities and figuring out who we are.” That has stuck with me for years, probably because it resonated so true for me personally.
When others expose a weakness, how do you react? Do you run, hide, or try to get away? Personally, I find those people more real, more approachable. It’s likely that’s how others will see you, as well, if you let them see who you really are.
Our minds can also distort things. Whatever we think is so bad about us probably isn’t as bad as we make it out to be in our own minds. The negative part that we are so focused on can blind us from seeing the positive and enjoyable aspects of our character that others would value. So take some time to remember your valuable qualities, and then reach out.
2. “Locals are not significant friendship options.”
I’m really sorry to say this, but I think it’s true.Sometimes, people come to a host culture with an attitude of “my culture is better,” “the way they do things is crazy,” or some other version of a superiority complex. With those attitudes, we can’t make true friends with the one group of people around us who are plentiful and steady—locals. They aren’t always leaving, like our expatriate “go tos.”
A subtle version of this is, “I came to help them, to serve them, to be an example.” See Beyond serves many who work with amazing non-profit organizations in the region. We applaud you for all that you are doing and, certainly, want you to continue. However, beware of this subtle form of “I have something to give you” attitude, if it’s not equally accompanied by a deep sense of “and you have something to teach me.”
One of my best lifelong friendships began on the day when my language teacher and I were meeting just for fun. We were talking about relationships, and I decided to share with her a deep, personal, ongoing struggle I’d had. It was risky, sharing vulnerably as I did. She could have decided that she didn’t want a friend who was struggling. But evidently, she ended up wanting a friend who was real and could empathize with her weaknesses.
Yes, it takes effort to understand a new culture, and yes, it takes learning a new language (at least for one of you) to make it work. And yes,making deep, lifelong friendships with local people can be one of the most meaningful things you ever do.
3. “It’s the other person’s problem.”
“They aren’t good listeners.”
“They are always talking about themselves.”
“We talk, but it never goes beyond the surface. They must not want to be friends.”
It’s a surety that those “other people” are going to have issues that make relationships difficult. However, don’t use that as an excuse to delve into self-pity and assume that you’ve done all you can. “Those people” are not the problem. Check to see if it’s not your attitude about them that is hindering your ability to make friends.
Become the person you want others to be to you. Be a better listener. Build your own communication skills. Ask better questions. Take time to truly care about them and how they are doing.
There is a risk in sharing what I just did, because some of you only listen, ask, and care about others. Or, you may be the person on the other side of the pendulum who needs to start talking. Share a little bit more vulnerably and regularly with someone, giving them a chance to care about you.
Photo by Kamila Maciejewska on Unsplash
4. “I can’t be close friends with someone in a different age bracket.”
It’s true that good friendships are often based on commonalities, like age, life stage, and interests. However, like the other limiting beliefs listed in this article, this type of thinking can keep us from truly meaningful relationships.
My friendships with people much older or much younger sometimes have a bit of “mentoring flavor” to them. I’ve enjoyed getting to pass on things I know, and I’ve equally enjoyed the learning, challenge, energy, and growth that comes from rubbing shoulders with those from a different generation than myself.
5. “Everyone is too busy to be my friend.”
Remember the women who knew one another and wanted better friendships with one another, but assumed the others were too busy? We, too, can make this (or another) assumption that keeps us from making friends with others who also long for connection.
Sometimes, we shoot ourselves in the foot during those “mingling” or “catch-up” conversations with acquaintances. Sometimes, people ask us, “How have you been?” One of the first words we often use is “busy.” We may inadvertently be waving a sign that says, “No time for you!”
Are you lonely? See what happens if you remove the word “busy” from your vocabulary when you are talking to people you’d like to get to know. You may end up with a coffee date with a friend on your calendar for next week!
6. “They should take the initiative first.”
Waiting for someone else to take action comes from an attitude that says something like:
"I'll wait for them to take the first step."
"If they wanted to be friends, they'd ask."
"I'll look too desperate if I move first."
Sometimes we think, “I’ve already initiated once, it’s their turn.” True friendships aren’t tit-for-tat equalities, and starting them can’t be either. Even if you have initiated before, take a chance and try again. True friendship is worth the work.
No one can read minds. You could both be stuck, like the moms at the beginning of this article, thinking the other has no time for you or desire to get to know you better. Take that first, scary step to get to know them better, and it could lead to a stronger friendship.
What mindsets or beliefs might be limiting you from having deeper friendships? If you think of one we haven’t listed, please add it in the comments below.
Take a moment and think about who you might want to be friends with. Remember that they are just as messy inside as you are. (That’s what might make them a good friend!) They probably need friends as much as you do. Gather up your humility, your best listening skills, and take some initiative.
One of the dearest treasures of your life might be just a few adjusted attitudes and a bit of initiative away.
