Engaging in Marriage When you Want to Withdraw
Photo by Everton Vila on Unsplash
"Honey, are you home? Hello?"
I was pretending I wasn't. Nestled in the corner of the living room, I sat occupied with my phone and headphones. Frustrated by my recent interactions with my husband, I didn't know how to verbalize how I felt and why I was put off. Was it because his hours at work had increased and I felt neglected? Was it because he gets more attention than me in our community, making it seem like he's better and more important? Was it my daughter's excitement at seeing him while she spent most of the day rolling her eyes at me?
Yes. Probably all of the above.
I felt too hurt and confused to talk. I pulled into myself, protecting myself—hiding my thoughts, inner feelings, and perceptions. It felt natural and safe. Though the longer I sat there, the more isolated I felt. While at first it felt freeing, this self-protection refuge didn't protect. Instead, it trapped and confined me.
Are you similar to me? Do you frequently get trapped in self-protection in your marriage, feeling like silence is better than sharing feelings, avoiding the issue better than being vulnerable?
Let's take a deeper look.
Characteristics of a marriage in which one or both partners have withdrawn:
A lack of eye contact
A lack of spontaneous touching
A lack of sexual connection
An emotional wall built between the partners
A tendency to turn to others (like children) for fulfillment
A hurt and hopeless feeling that dominates the home
Photo by Everton Vila on Unsplash
The partners may be cordial to each other in the home, though there's a feeling of helplessness in knowing how to restore the relationship. Perhaps one of the spouses feels that he or she has an inherent flaw, which deepens the desire to self-protect. As the gap between them gets bigger, it feels more risky to reach out.
Self-protection is a defense mechanism we use to keep from being exposed and potentially hurt. We keep our emotions and thoughts hidden so they can't be scrutinized and rejected. We think that this keeps us from injury and rejection, but it actually keeps us from intimacy and fulfillment. What feels natural and safe backfires and wounds.
If you are currently shut down and emotionally detached from your spouse, consider ways to rebuild your trust and connection together.
“While at first it felt freeing, this self-protection refuge didn’t protect. Instead, it trapped and confined me.”
Three Ideas to Explore
1) Examine your emotional connections.
Bring out a pen and journal, your laptop, or open a recording app you can talk into as you explore your thoughts.
Think of your past —What did you learn about love and marriage from your parents and your community growing up? Was reaching out and trusting others viewed as a strength or weakness?
Habits developed in relating —Think of a past relationship in which you felt close and cared for. What was a typical moment that captures this relationship? Were there any past relationships that taught you that loved ones were untrustworthy? If so, how did you respond—fighting to get the person's attention, moving back and avoiding closeness, or somewhere in between?
Current interactions —When do you feel most alone? What motivates you to pursue your spouse? What are two specific things that make you feel more secure in a relationship?
After you journal your responses, note the patterns or themes (if any) you recognized.
Reach out to a safe friend or counselor to help you process your discoveries.
do you feel it is time to reach out to someone for help in your marriage?
See Beyond offers Marriage Counseling to those in need.
Click here to see how we can help you.
2) Identify one thing that shuts you down and turns you away from your spouse.
It can be simple, like her long sigh or his chuckle at a vulnerable moment. Or, perhaps it's a conversation that feels attacking or a comment that reinforces an unhealthy rumination you've been dwelling on (like "I'm good for nothing").
How, then, do you respond to your spouse? What is your "go-to" response? Do you turn away? Say something sarcastic? Go to the fridge and snack?
When this happens, what are you inwardly telling yourself? "Who cares?" "I don't need her anyway." "I'm a failure."
These in-the-moment observations are important to analyze to warn you of the beginning of disconnection. When you can identify your withdrawing habits, then you can learn how to move out of the downward spiral.
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3) Begin to rebuild emotional responsiveness.
Emotional responsiveness between lovers leads to an enduring relationship of connection. Instead of being isolated in self-protection, you're invited to move toward one another. According to Dr. Sue Johnson, well-regarded couple therapist, emotional responsiveness has three aspects:
1. Accessibility: Can I reach you? Being accessible is being open to hear your spouse, to listen, and to be available. Arms are open instead of folded across the chest.
2. Responsiveness: Can I rely on you to respond to me emotionally? Allow yourself to be affected by your spouse. With those open arms, take a figurative step toward your spouse.
3. Engagement: Do I know that you will value me and stay close? Synonyms for engaged include captivated, engrossed, absorbed, united, interconnected. This is the special care given to a loved one, to be emotionally present.
Now, face-to-face, you're able to connect and embrace.
It's easy to remember the acronym A.R.E. of emotional responsiveness—"Are you there? Are you with me?"
It's helpful to have a counselor identify and work with you to unstick some of these withdrawing habits, leading to a restoration of emotional responsiveness.
Is self-protection advantageous? Not if you want deeper connection and satisfaction in your marriage.
After reflecting on my thoughts and feelings in my little corner of the living room, I decided that I didn't want to stay there. Since my "go-to" response is "I'm okay on my own; telling him my feelings makes me weak," I realized that coming to him and showing I was accessible (not fortressed in my corner) and responsive (ready to talk) was a step toward reconnection.
"I'm here. Are you with me?"
He was.
Note: Becoming more vulnerable is not a good idea in situations of abuse.
If you think you might be in an emotionally, physically, or otherwise abusive relationship (detailed in this article by the National Domestic Violence Hotline), please reach out and get help as these suggestions may not be the most helpful for your situation.
Reference:
Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown Spark.