Marriage's Destructive Dance—How to Recognize it
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I yell, and my spouse shuts down. What can we do?
"We are hardwired to connect with others; it's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering." – Brené Brown
What happens when you long to have that connection in your marriage, but something seems to be blocking it?
A common way in which couples try to regain that connection is a deadly method of interacting called "demand-withdraw." One spouse becomes fault-finding and quarrelsome, and the other becomes more self-protective, pulling away.
A response is wanted—a reassurance of connection. But does "demanding" it work?
The demanding partner may say:
"Even when she is at home, she's always busy with something—on the computer or phone. She doesn't seem to even know I'm here."
"We are just like roommates, not really connecting."
"I feel lonely in this relationship. We aren't tuned in to each other, so I have to do something about it."
"If I didn't yell, he would never realize that I'm here trying to get his attention. My feelings don't matter."
“We are hardwired to connect with others; it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering.”
— Brené Brown
What Motivates a Partner to Demand?
Dr. Sue Johnson, a clinical psychologist and developer of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy, says these responses reveal deeper themes like not feeling valued by the spouse, feeling alone and left out, feeling abandoned when the partner was needed, wanting emotional connectedness, and feeling upset at the spouse's silence.
Picture this demand-withdraw interaction like a dance.
One spouse tries to get close by pushing and provoking the other. The other spouse retreats backward or freezes. The steps are repeated until the couple ends up trapped in the corner of the dance floor.
When spouses feel further and further disconnected, their interactions often become more and more negative.
The withdrawing partner often feels this way:
"I never seem to be able to do the right thing for him. I give up."
"I tend to freeze and be quiet when my spouse is demanding. I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing, which will just make it worse."
"I know I'm not a very good spouse. I feel paralyzed."
"I'm trying to fix it. I'm trying to solve the problem by thinking it over in my head and giving advice. It's not helping. I don't know what she wants."
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Why Does a Partner Withdraw?
Dr. Johnson sees themes in the "withdrawer" too—not feeling confident to act because of hopelessness, handling negative emotions by shutting down, feeling like a failure or inadequate as a spouse, feeling judged by the spouse, tending to deny problems in order to cope, and wanting to avoid disapproval.
While these roles vary depending on the culture and the couple, gender does play a part. In the West, women tend to be more attuned to the cues of the relationship, so their role is more of the blaming and pursuing spouse. Men tend to be the problem-solvers and are often taught to suppress emotional responses, so they usually fit into the "withdrawing" role.
The demanding partner may desire to have a more secure connection with the other, but the attack only drives the other away. It's a damaging and crippling way of interacting.
John Gottman, a researcher and professor of psychology, surmises that "the couples who get stuck in this pattern in the first few years of marriage have more than an 80 percent chance of divorcing within four or five years."
But there is hope!
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How Can We Get Out of This "Destructive Dance"?
1. Identify what sets this dance in motion.
What triggers you to protest or withdraw? What starts your "dancing feet" pushing or retreating? How does this affect your spouse?
Which of Dr. Johnson's "themes" can you relate to?
Most of us have certain responses that fit with that particular relationship. Have you developed a habit of demand-withdraw dancing in your marriage? Think it through. Notice the dance steps you contribute. What provokes this rhythm?
Identifying the music behind the marriage dance is the first step to overcome habits of demanding and pulling back.
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2. Recognize what you desire from your spouse when you protest or withdraw.
On the surface you may feel angry. But underneath, what are you wanting?
To be told that you're loved and special to the other?
A hug?
Time spent together?
Greater understanding?
Sex?
Safety to express yourself?
What is a way you feel connected? Sometimes, one of the spouses might feel connected with sex, but the other is not. Understanding how both of you view connection is important.
3. Figure out together how to identify and stop this destructive way of relating.
See Beyond counselor, Tim Reid, agrees. "The real enemy of your marriage, to the harmony and joy in your relationship, is the destructive dance you get into. Of course, it’s natural to see your spouse as the enemy. They are the one shouting and hounding or stonewalling and disappearing. Stepping out of the dance allows you to see the dance itselfas the common enemy. It creates space for working as a team again. This both signals and fuels the hope for connection."
Realize that your partner isn't the enemy, attacking or withdrawing from you. Picture him or her as wanting to fight for the relationship. Recognize the pattern and step out of it.
Give your dance a name. Is it "the fire spiral?" Or the "train wreck?" Labeling it will help you put a stop to it when you feel it beginning. "I think I'm headed into the 'abyss,' honey. I need a minute to think and then let's talk."
It takes courage for the spouse who's tempted to withdraw to say, "I hear you saying these strong things right now, but I don't know what you need." It takes courage for the demanding spouse to identify the triggers and say, "I'm feeling disconnected right now. When might be a good time to talk?"
Learning practical tools through marriage coaching may be just what you need to become unstuck in these patterns and become more productive and kind in your conversations . . . and more connected.
Reference:
Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown Spark.