Vulnerability—5 Steps on the Road to Trust
Photo by Aleksandra Boguslawska on Unsplash
“Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection and the path to the feeling of worthiness. If it doesn’t feel vulnerable, the sharing is probably not constructive.” —Brené Brown
Tired of superficial relationships, ones that felt “safe,” I was ready to risk again. I needed a friend—not just a surface-level friend, but a real one. It was time for someone to know me, all of me: the good, bad, and the ugly.
It was true, I’d been hurt in the past. Was it worth trying again? Was true friendship worth the risk?
Most likely, I wasn’t the only one feeling this way. The story was all too common. There were a lot of people out there who had been burned, sharing a personal story with someone that was later announced from the mountain tops, with an amplified speaker for all the world to hear.
Perhaps, I could find someone to walk with me on the road of trust again.
Origin of the ‘5 Steps’
Jeff Polzer, a professor of organizational behavior at Harvard University, calls the cycle of trust the “Vulnerability Loop.”
“A shared exchange of openness, it’s the most basic building block of cooperation and trust. Vulnerability loops seem swift and spontaneous, but they all follow the same steps”:
Person A sends a signal of vulnerability.
Person B detects this signal.
Person B responds by signaling their own vulnerability.
Person A detects the return signal.
A norm is established; closeness and trust increase.
“The second person is the key,” Polzer says. “Do they pick it up and reveal their own weaknesses, or do they cover up and pretend they don’t have any? It makes a huge difference in the outcome.”
Photo by Jake Hills on Unsplash
An Experiment With the “5-Step Road to Trust”
I was desiring an accountability partner, someone who would ask me the hard questions in life, someone with whom I could be honest and open about my struggles, someone who wouldn’t judge me when I showed my flaws and weaknesses, someone who would be a support and walk with me through this hard journey called “life.” I needed a friend—one who would be real with me, support me, and even call me out on things!
I’d walked this road before; sometimes it ended well, sometimes it didn’t. I hadn’t really thought about it before. For the first time, I decided to intentionally trace my steps on the journey, the journey on the “5-Step Road to Trust.”
1. Person A (me) sent out a signal of vulnerability to my new friend. I shared with her some of the tough things my family was going through. It wasn’t super deep, but it wasn’t surface-level stuff either.
“We’re going through a rough patch with one of our kids. He’s struggling with our new transition to North Africa. He honestly doesn’t like it here. It’s been really hard for him to feel accepted and to make new friends. We don’t know how to help him. It makes me sad that we can’t just make things better for him.”
2. Person B (my new potential friend) detected the signal. I could tell she was practicing “other-centered listening,” and she responded in an empathetic way by reflecting back what she heard me say.
“I’m sorry for all that you are going through. That sounds really tough.”
I knew by those few words that she had heard me, heard my heart, heard my vulnerability. She responded.
3. Later on in the conversation, Person B, my new friend, responded by signaling her own vulnerability.
“We are having a tough time too. It feels like the stress of our daily lives, like struggling with language and cultural learning, is starting to take a toll on us.”
4. Person A, me, detects the signal of vulnerability and responds appropriately.
“I’m sorry for what you are going through right now. Living overseas certainly takes stress to a whole new level, doesn’t it?”
5. A norm is established, and closeness and trust increase.
My new friend and I both knew from our first conversation that we were ready to be honest and real with each other. I had dared to take the first step and show my own vulnerability, and my friend had responded warmly. If she hadn’t, the Vulnerability Loop would have most likely stopped, and a Vulnerability Block may have been established.
I wouldn’t have felt safe with her. I wouldn’t have trusted her. I wouldn’t have kept sharing. We may have just kept our relationship superficial or dropped it altogether.
This same Vulnerability Loop can take place in families. For example, to encourage our kids to open and share their hearts, it can be helpful for parents to model it by being the first to share something personal and vulnerable.
Polzer also describes the importance of using the Vulnerability Loop to establish good team relationships. If a leader begins his team building and team relationships by sharing openly and vulnerably before those he leads, it will establish the team atmosphere as a “safe space.” In turn, others on the team will detect his vulnerability, respond accordingly, and then begin opening up in the same way. Little by little, intimacy and trust will be established among the team members.
Photo by Milan Ivanovic on Unsplash
What Can Happen if We Aren’t Vulnerable?
—No one really knows us.
—We can’t fully be ourselves with others.
—Our story stays bottled up inside of us.
—Trust can’t be established.
—Feelings of unworthiness and lack of self-confidence can creep in, because we are forever hiding who we are.
—No one can accept us for who we are, because they can’t see us and know us.
—Lack of productivity: Without trust, it’s hard to move forward together. When there’s no unity in the community, less teamwork and fewer work goals are accomplished.
—Lack of growth in relationships: Without vulnerability and the establishment of trust, relationships remain blocked and stunted in their growth.
—Others don’t know if they can trust us. If we give an image of being “all together,” people don’t know if we are authentic and if it is safe for them to share their struggles.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve walked the “5-Step Road to Trust,” and it’s been beautiful. It may be the Road Less Traveled, but it is well worth the risk.
“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater meaning in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.” — Brené Brown, social worker