How to Take Control of Your Anger With the 90-Second Rule
“Come here, immediately!” I screamed at my 7-year-old son from the bottom of the steps.
I could feel the heat, the frustration, the emotions rising inside of me.
It wasn’t the first time I had called for him to come. It was at least the third, maybe more.
He wasn’t listening. He wasn’t even answering. He wasn’t obeying. He wasn’t coming.
It felt like a tidal wave rushing violently through my body and my mind.
Even though it all happened so fast, I could feel it. My jaw twitched, and my teeth clenched. My knuckles tightened. I wanted to yell at the top of my lungs—I think I did! It had already been a stressful week, and I was beyond the breaking point.
Anger. I knew the feeling all too well.
I marched up the stairs, making sure to stomp loudly enough for my son to hear me coming. I wanted him to know that I was enraged and that he was in big trouble.
I stopped at the door. I felt out of control. My anger had taken over.
Have You Heard of the “90 Second Rule”?
Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, a neuroanatomist, originally proved that it only takes 90 seconds for our anger to pass.
“We experience anger when the ‘anger circuit’ in our brain is stimulated. Anger is just a group of cells in our brain that have been triggered and we have the power to choose to act out or not. It only takes 90 seconds for that circuit to settle down.”
Physiologically, our emotions are biochemical events inside of us. The experience of anger triggers a feedback loop between our mind and our body.
For example, when my son doesn’t obey me, or when my colleague makes a hurtful remark about my work, or when my sister doesn’t remember my birthday, my natural reaction is anger.
Sometimes, we don’t even know why we are angry about something. Sometimes, we have to “discover what our anger is all about.” Sometimes, it may be a “little event that evokes a big response.”
When I’m triggered and my anger ignites, what I usually do is think about the situation, remember the hurtful words, recall the incident, replay the scene over and over in my mind.
What does that do?
It fuels the fire of my anger. It feeds my unhealthy thoughts. It fans the flame of my rage. Stewing in my angry thoughts only keeps that spiral spinning, only keeps that feedback loop racing. Continuing those negative thoughts only re-stimulates my physiological response to anger.
So, if my anger can intensify by fueling those thoughts, can my anger diminish by silencing those thoughts?
Dr. Bolte Taylor says “yes.” And she claims that it can happen in as little as 90 seconds. That’s the time it takes to brush your teeth, to get a glass of ice water, to put on your shoes. Ninety seconds is short. It’s hardly any time at all, but those 90 seconds can change everything and even keep us from doing something we will regret later.
“From the moment you have the thought that there’s a threat and that circuit of fear gets triggered, it will stimulate the emotional circuitry related to it, which is the fight-or-flight reaction. That will trigger a physiological dumpage of usually norepinephrine or anger into the bloodstream. It will flush through you and flush out of you in less than 90 seconds.”
— Dr. Bolte Taylor
So, basically, it only takes 90 seconds from the moment we have that first thought that triggers our anger, through all the events from that emotion, to the time the chemicals are flushed out of our system.
What Does This Look Like Practically?
The CALM app has a “Take: 90” mindfulness exercise that can be used in “real time” when we experience a moment of anger and fury. It walks us through a quick, deep breathing exercise that can almost immediately bring us to a state of calm and peace.
Check it out here.
Yes, calm can replace our anger in only 90 seconds. It’s not magical, and sometimes it takes longer. But, in 90 seconds, most people can begin to feel a huge difference in their body and mind.
In the UK, businesses, charities, and the police teamed up to launch this campaign called “Take:90.”
“The campaign aims to help reduce acts of aggression and impulsive violence caused by anger in everyday situations such as evenings out, in the workplace, on the commute or online . . . it is such a simple concept, one that absolutely anyone can use—once they know about it.”
Photo by Marcos Paulo Prado on Unsplash
What Happened?
I stopped at the door. I felt out of control. My anger had taken over.
“Take 90,” I heard myself say. Self talk was often helpful. Maybe I could talk myself back to a place of peace and calm.
“Take 90,” I said aloud. “Take a Mommy time-out.”
I turned around and walked into my bedroom, sat on the bed, and began to breathe deeply, slowly. I focused on calming thoughts, telling myself to breathe in peace and exhale calm. Something gradually began to happen in my body. I could feel it physically. The heat flowed back out of my body. The tidal wave of emotions subsided. My heart stopped racing.
I continued to breathe, continued to still my mind. Instead of fueling my angry thoughts towards my son, instead of stewing over his disobedience, instead of contemplating what disciplinary actions I might take . . . instead . . . peace and calm began to slowly suffuse my mind and body.
It didn’t take long, only 90 seconds.
When I was ready, I stood up and walked calmly into my son’s room to have a little mother-son chat. I felt peace, relieved that my explosive rage had subsided. I could think clearly. I could speak kindly. I could see past my angry emotions and see my child—the one I loved.
In addition to dealing with the sudden onset symptoms of our anger, it is also good to explore the deeper roots.
Here are some articles to help us through that process: