Grownup Friendship—Why It's Hard and How to Begin
When I was younger, friendship was easy. I didn’t have to think about it. It just happened.
Conversations, fun, laughter, play . . . friendship. It was just a part of life.
I got older. I grew up, moved away from all those childhood friends to the other side of the world. Space and time separated us. I forgot about our friendship. I forgot how to make friends.
Life is lonely, especially when I see the endless ocean that separates me from my family and friends.
I still call them “long-distance friends.” I comment on their social media posts from time to time, letting them know I’m still alive over here. Once in a while, we will do a video call, still separated by a screen. When I return to my home country, I look them up and give them a call—sometimes we are able to pick up right where we left off.
But still, those long-distance friends are so far away. They aren’t here.
Friendship for grown ups—why is it so difficult?
I hadn’t thought much of it until a few years ago. I attended a conference and heard Lisa Whelchel speak. Do any of you remember the hit TV show from the 80s, “The Facts of Life”? (Ok, that is really dating me!) She talked about Friendship for Grownups, and I picked myself up a copy.
It Takes Intentionality
Whether near or far, it takes intentionality to have grown-up friendships. It doesn’t happen as easily and as naturally as it did when I was in the third grade.
Whether it be friendships with my long-lost childhood pals, adult friendships that I have established throughout the years around the world, or new relationships that I’m trying to cultivate in my here and now . . . it takes intentionality, time, and effort.
Am I willing to make it a priority, to take the time and effort needed to cultivate friendships? Sometimes, it just feels like too much work!
But, if I’m honest with myself, I need friends.
I need someone to talk to besides my spouse over a rushed cup of morning coffee, my 7-year-old child during our nature walks or game of cards, my faithful, furry friend curled up at my feet, or even just myself.
I need friends . . . at least one.
What makes it so complicated?
1. Lack of Time — When I was 8 years old, I could play for hours in the neighborhood with friends or stay up all night talking in the blanket fort we made in the basement. Now, my days are filled with busy work schedules and overwhelming family responsibilities. Who has time to go out for a cup of coffee with a friend when I can’t even get through today’s to-do list of piled dishes and laundry?
2. Lack of Trust — Sometimes, we carry hurt, unforgiveness, and unresolved grief from past relationships. If we haven’t worked through these feelings to bring us to a healthy place, we sometimes choose not to move forward at all. We get stuck. Who can we trust? I don’t always have the courage to risk friendship again.
3. Lack of Skills — Depending on our personality, sometimes we don’t even know where to begin to develop friendships with people. Perhaps developing friendships doesn’t feel natural. We simply don’t know how to take that first step.
4. Lack of Opportunities — Living in a foreign culture adds more challenges to finding people who share our affinities, hobbies, and languages. If we live in an isolated area, without any colleagues or fellow expats from our home culture, we may wonder where we can even begin to find a potential friend.
5. Lack of Language and Culture — When living in another culture, another language, it’s hard to break through those barriers in order to get to a place in which we can share our hearts openly with another person. If we are still in the beginning stages of language learning, we are still focusing on how to say “hello” and looking for the local equivalent of “baking soda” for our recipes. It seems like years down the road before we could ever have a heart-to-heart conversation with our neighbor.
6. Lack of Proximity — Who out there is a good “long-distance friend”? I’m not, I confess. There may be truth to the saying, “Out of sight, out of mind.” It’s hard enough to find time to cultivate friendships with those we see face-to-face on a regular basis. To stay in touch and connect with those on the other side of the ocean, even more intentionality and effort are required.
7. Lack of Priority — Some of us may wonder, “What’s the use?” If we look at our lives and the things that are important to us, perhaps friendships don’t rank highly. Other, more pressing needs and desires may be top on the list—marriage, family, work. Perhaps we have never thought about the importance of friendships in our lives.
8. Lack of Courage — For those of us who live a typical overseas, transient life, sometimes we wonder if building deep, intimate friendships is worth the time and effort. How many of us have had to say “goodbye” too many times to people we love—friends who have become like family to us on this side of the world? Every time I move to a new place, I hesitate to start building friendships. It’s just too painful when we have to leave. . . or they have to leave. My kids feel the same way. We don’t want to feel the pain again.
Photo by Chang Duong on Unsplash
Some Steps to Get Started:
1. Process your feelings about friendship—through journaling or talking to someone you can trust. How do you feel about your current friendships? What has been your life experience when it comes to friendship? Remember positive experiences, as well as the more challenging ones. If you need someone to process with, See Beyond offers services such as coaching, counseling, and Personalized Care.
2. Take an inventory of your friendships. Categorize them into people you would consider close friends, casual friends, acquaintances. Remember those with whom you had close friendships before, perhaps now lost over time and distance or an unresolved conflict.
3. In your list of friends and acquaintances, identify 1 or 2 with whom you would like to reconnect. Reach out today with a text or a short phone call to re-establish the broken bridge. Arrange a longer time to connect and mark it on your calendar—a 1-hour coffee date next week with that parent at school you would like to get to know more, a 30-minute video call with that childhood friend, a longer letter to that dear friend with whom you had a falling out.
4. In your list of friends and acquaintances, identify 1 or 2 who might need you to connect with them—a friend who is going through marriage struggles, a colleague who is really hitting the wall of language learning, or a new teacher who just arrived and doesn’t know how to grocery shop in this country.
5. Dare to risk again. Even if the last deep friendships left you broken at that moment of transition and goodbyes, remember the good times you shared with those dear friends. Imagine all the shared moments, laughter, tears, and heart conversations that you both would have missed if you had never risked friendship. Take a step of courage today and dare to risk again.
6. Seek healing and reconciliation. If there is a person or relationship that comes to mind when you think of painful friendships, consider why. Think about how you could move forward to unravel the messy knot—whether by reconnecting with that individual for a healthy conversation of closure or by seeking healing and counseling so you can grieve and let it go.
7. Think outside of the box. Sometimes, we think good friends have to be in our same season of life. But I have found that some of my most refreshing friendships are with women several decades younger or older than me. It’s a beautiful friendship when you can build into others and others can build into you by sharing life experiences.
8. Consider friendship a bridge of language and cultural learning. Befriending someone from your host culture comes with its “host” of challenges. However, it can be exhilarating to sit in the humble seat of a learner in the relationship. We can experience new horizons as our friend takes us on a journey of jumping language and cultural hurdles together. If anything, we can get a lot of laughs and fun from all the bloopers we make—with our local friend as the eyewitness!
Photo by Erika Giraud on Unsplash
Ready to Risk?
After reading Lisa Whelchel’s book, Friendship for Grownups, and taking inventory of my own life, I was challenged to be intentional and courageous in my friendships—to risk again.
Last week, I texted two friends here in town. I have gotten to know them a bit since we arrived here, and I really enjoy spending time with them. I just don’t have a lot of time to spend on building relationships in this season of my life. I knew that our friendship wasn’t going to grow naturally, since we don’t cross paths regularly.
It was going to take intentionality.
I asked them if they would like to go out for lunch and shopping at the mall—two things that I rarely do. They both eagerly accepted, expressing that they could use a “time out with girlfriends.”
I wondered what it would be like. Would it be awkward, uncomfortable, or lacking for conversation topics? It wasn’t! Over a big bowl of Japanese noodles, we talked about everything from loneliness to marriage struggles to raising teens, health concerns, challenges of living overseas during a global pandemic, and our need for deep friendship. We laughed. We cried.
I dared to risk. I stepped out in courage. It wasn’t easy, but honestly, what did I have to lose?
I shared my need for friends—ones I can be real with, vulnerable with, ones with whom I can share the deep, dark places of my heart.
Once I shared my needs and desires with them, they shared theirs. Guess what? We put another date on the calendar—next week, same time, same place.
Are you ready to reach out—ready to risk?
