6 Ways to Trust After a Break of Confidentiality

Photo by Marek Piwnicki on Unsplash

It was a safe place, wasn’t it?

After opening our hearts and baring all—our struggles in our marriage, our struggles in our parenting, our struggles in our work and team—we felt better. It was a huge relief! We finally had the opportunity to empty our hearts full of hard, painful experiences.

We were experiencing the power of telling our story.

It wasn’t until several months later that we received the call from our leadership. They were concerned.

Concerned about what? How did they know? Who told them? Who shared with them the stories about our marriage, our kids, our team?

It was a safe place, wasn’t it?

We had shared everything. We had shared too much. We thought it was a safe place, but we were wrong!

Has this ever happened to you? Have you ever shared something with someone—a friend, a counselor, a family member, a teammate—thinking that the space was safe and confidential? Then, you found out later that it wasn’t safe after all. You found out later that you were wrong.

I don’t know about you, but for me, this experience broke trust. It didn’t just break trust with those people—the ones who weren’t safe, the ones who told our heart story to other people. It also broke trust inside of me. It broke my trust in people, in general, and it took me awhile before I was ready and willing to risk again—to risk being vulnerable.

Vulnerability Block

If trust and confidentiality are broken in a relationship, it can be hard and slow to rebuild it again. The vulnerability and trust cycle that Jeff Polzer refers to as the “Vulnerability Loop” can quickly turn into a “Vulnerability Block.”

“Perhaps you’ve tried to share your heart with a trusted friend, parent, or spouse, and somewhere along the way you were shamed for those feelings. Instead of being met in your vulnerability, instead of being held, cherished, and understood, you felt the sting of betrayal.”

— Rebekah Lyons—Rhythms of Renewal

That is what happened to me after feeling “betrayed” by those who shared my personal story with others. Perhaps if they had asked my permission, or if they had warned me that they were concerned and felt the need to share my story with my leaders . . . perhaps I would have been prepared. That was not the case. Rather, I felt betrayed and blindsided! I knew I didn’t want to stay in that place forever, but . . . 

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

How Can You Learn to Trust Again?

1. Be Wise—You may have been warned before, “Don’t air out your dirty laundry.” Be careful who you share it with. Not everyone needs to know your dark, dirty secrets. Be wise about what to share, when to share, and with whom to share. 

2. Do Your Homework—If you are seeking a professional counselor or service provider, do your research. Find out if they have confidentiality guidelines on their website or in their written contract. If you know others who have used their services, ask them what their experience has been like in the area of sharing and confidentiality.

3. Don’t Assume—Even though it seems like someone should be “safe,” or it seems like a conversation should be private and confidential, don’t assume that it is. In fact, assume it isn’t, until it is clearly stated.

4. Ask—If your friend, teammate, or colleague doesn’t openly share their perspective on confidentiality at the beginning of your relationship, or if it’s not clearly spelled out on the website of a professional caregiver, then ask. If they don’t respond in a way that you are comfortable with and that puts you at ease, then find another service provider.

See Beyond has their confidentiality guidelines clearly outlined on their website and in the signed written agreement for debriefing, Personalized Care, counseling, and coaching services. See Beyond service providers are also trained to discuss these guidelines during the first session with a new client.

5. Test the Waters—If you have shared something and then been “burned” by someone sharing your story, your secrets, your “dirty laundry” with others, it can take time to step out in courage and dare to be vulnerable again. When you are ready, begin by sharing something personal, but still at a surface level. Share something that you wouldn’t care too much about if the person decided to tell others. Little by little, as you test the waters and the person passes the “confidentiality test,” you can begin to share more and more—parts of your life that are more deep and personal. Each time you share is like putting down a new building block of trust in your relationship.

6. Be the trustworthy friend, teammate, family member that you long to have. Be an example to others of someone who can be trusted and who can keep things confidential. As others watch as you listen and keep things safe, they will begin to do the same.

Lessons Learned

After that experience of feeling betrayed by those I thought were safe, those I thought could be trusted, it took me a long time to step out again. It took me a long time to risk again. I had a vulnerability block that I needed to bust through.

Since then, little by little, I have dared to trust again. I have dared to be vulnerable again. That hard and painful experience has taught me much about being a trustworthy friend and a trustworthy professional service provider. I want to create a “safe place” for my clients, my children, my teammates, and my friends. I would never want someone to go through the same pain that I went through when I learned that my dirty laundry had been hung up publicly.

I have also learned to do my homework and to practice wisdom. When I am seeking professional help—counseling, debriefing, and coaching, I do my research and ask direct questions about confidentiality guidelines. If I’m not satisfied with the answers, I look elsewhere for the professional care I need. 

After that painful experience, I didn’t think I would ever be able to trust again. I didn’t think that I would ever risk being vulnerable again with my heart story. However, little by little, I have experienced again the freedom and release of sharing my heart and story. I have learned that there are still trustworthy people in the world, and I’m thankful to have found some of them.