How to Ask Better Questions and Build Deeper Connections
Photo by Ana Municio on Unsplash
I was with my co-trainer who had recently arrived in Morocco, where we were getting ready to do a workshop on coaching and communication together. He was trying to get the SIM card for his phone working and had been in line waiting while I did some shopping in a nearby store. When I got back to the phone store, this is how our conversation went:
—Did you get it fixed?
—No, not yet.
—Were they able to unlock the old SIM card?
—No . . . (with a little more explanation)
—Did they look it up to see if it had been deactivated?
—No . . . (shared a bit more)
I asked a few more yes/no type questions and then finally asked . . .
—Are you going to have to buy a new SIM card?
—I don’t know, I haven’t talked to the lady yet.
Dumbstruck, all I could say was, “I should really attend a communication workshop and learn how to ask open questions, like, ‘How’s it going with your phone?’”
I’ve spent ten years working on listening and asking better questions, and it’s still easy for me to fall back into my old patterns of asking closed, simple questions. This especially happens when I'm tired, and especially with my family. Closed questions are much easier to come up with, and often serve the purpose, but sometimes are woefully lacking.
Think about someone you would like to be better connected to, at home or at work, and some of the common questions you might ask them. They might include some of these questions:
—Did you have a nice day?
—Are you going to rest this weekend?
—Have you finished that yet?
—Do you like your work?
—Does your family visit often?
—Are you going to the store?
—How was your weekend?
—How was your vacation?
Closed Questions
All in a row, you can see that these examples are closed questions, where a one-word answer is sufficient. Now, you are probably thinking those last two questions aren’t closed, and technically, you’re right. However, socially, it’s a different story. Those questions are used so often that the customary answer is a short “good,” and then we move on.
Closed questions typically begin with a verb to be or a verb to do as well as could, should, or would.
Closed questions have their place. “Do you have the house key?” is an important closed question to ask before you shut the door. “Are you picking up the kids, or me?” That’s an important clarification!
However, when we want to build relationships, show people we care, or even navigate conflict well, open questions are a key to connection.
Photo by Marten Newhall on Unsplash
Open Questions
Open questions can have many possible answers, and they invite the speaker to open up and share more.
Notice what these tweaks do to the above questions. How much more might you learn? How much more inviting might these open questions be?
Steps to Ask Open and Meaningful Questions
Step One
Notice what type of questions you are asking. You might record your half of a phone conversation or a conversation with your children or spouse, then listen back and note what types of questions you ask.
Take particular notice of your questions in conversations where you want to connect more deeply with someone and to those conversations where emotions are high, tension is present, and you want to avoid or manage conflict.
You’ll probably be surprised to hear how many closed questions are part of your typical speech pattern.
Step Two
Change your question to one that begins with “what.”
“When” and “where” tend to be a bit more closed. “How” and “why” also start open questions; however, “how” can often lead to preemptive solutions when deeper understanding of the other person’s needs and values is still necessary. “Why” tends to put people on the defensive. So, try starting with “what.”
Step Three
Take the general subject area of the closed question you’d normally ask and broaden it to a more basic category.
Notice the chart above. One idea from the closed question is chosen and then broadened into an open question.
For example, I took the topic of “nice” from “Did you have a nice day?” I then made it broader and tuned into only the positive part of the day. Beginning with “What,” it became: “What was nice about your day?”
Photo by Van Tay Media on Unsplash
Build Deeper, Stronger Connections
If you want to . . .
Love others better,
Connect more deeply with your family,
Avoid conflict,
Navigate tensions,
Understand your teammates’ thinking,
Then listening and asking better questions are basic skills in which to learn and keep growing.
Let's re-imagine my interaction with my friend at the phone store with some open questions.
He was trying to get the SIM card for his phone working and had been in line waiting while I did some shopping in a nearby store. When I got back to the phone store, I thought, ‘Wait, this seems familiar. Ah, this is a re-do! I’m going to skip all the ‘yes and no’ stuff and start out right . . . ”
“How’s it going with your phone?”
