3 Single People Share Their Needs for Connection
Recently, I spent twelve weeks alone. Quiet and solitude were new to me. It had been over twenty years since I had experienced it—at least for that length of time.
During this time alone, I learned a lot about myself. First, I learned that I like quiet and solitude more than I realized. They were welcome friends and long overdue for a visit. Second, I learned that I didn’t have any place or anyone to go to when I needed to process.
Naturally, I am a verbal processor. Typically, when I was at home with my family, I could talk things over with my husband while cooking dinner or with my children while driving in the car.
This unique and strange season alone didn’t allow me to have a human being, in the flesh, to whom I could unload. I felt a bit lost!
Already, I naturally do a lot of self-talking. However, during this quiet season of solitude, I found myself talking to myself even more. My self-talk also became a welcome friend and one that I invited to the table more and more.
Thinking About My Friends
It was a bit lonely during this time. As I walked around my house alone, drove by myself in the car, strolled alone through parks and shopping malls, and sat by myself at the dining room table, I gradually began thinking more and more about my single friends. I started asking myself some questions.
Rather than just wondering and wandering aimlessly in my thoughts on this topic, I decided to ask these questions to several singles I know.
From the Lives of Real People
See Beyond: What parts of your life are important to process regularly?
Bethany: Highs and lows of my week. Having a chance to tell someone about what went well strengthens those positive experiences and encourages me. Sharing the hard things helps me to not feel so alone.
Peter: I think the things that I need to process select themselves, as they tend to be on my mind and creating emotions in me. I don't want to ruminate on things, though. I've been learning to pray about everything.
Jennifer: I think the parts of my daily life that are important to process daily are the emotions and the hard/difficult things that happen. I think it also feels lonely to have to make daily decisions alone, constantly, so it would be nice to be able to process those regularly as well.
See Beyond: Where do you go to process your day?
Bethany: I process through journaling most days, and sometimes, I get to process my week with friends or family back in my home country.
Peter: This summer, I read a book about praying and walking. I enjoyed some beautiful prayer time in some British parks in the summer. Here in North Africa, I don't have those same opportunities.
Jennifer: I journal a lot, and I process with my teammates. I wouldn’t say I process with them every day, though.
“This new insight has even stirred me to want to be a sounding board, a listening ear, a support for my single friends so that they, too, can have someone to process their story with.”
See Beyond: Who do you celebrate with?
Bethany: I celebrate with my coworkers for things related to work and with my family for things that are more personal.
Peter: My housemates, my mentor, my church, my parents who live in my home country, my colleagues, my housemates, my friends . . .
Jennifer: My teammates, family and friends, and my support team back in my home country.
See Beyond: Who do you grieve with?
Bethany: Grieving usually happens for me alone. Annually, I do a debriefing which helps me to acknowledge and grieve losses.
Peter: Someone I know well passed away last year. I grieved with people who knew her, especially my family.
Jennifer: Mostly my teammates, my close friends back in my passport country, and other workers that I know.
See Beyond: Who do you dream and brainstorm with?
Bethany: For work-related things, I brainstorm with my team. For more personal things, I tend to dream with friends.
Peter: My brother-in-law, my parents, my colleagues . . .
Jennifer: I mostly brainstorm with my teammates and some with close friends back home.
Photo by Helena Lopes on Unsplash
See Beyond: How do you connect with people in a real way?
Bethany: I try to connect with someone I have a mutual, genuine relationship with at least once a month. These tend to be people who enjoy both sharing authentically about their own lives and hearing about mine.
Peter: I am constantly trying to connect. It usually just comes in the form of conversation.
Except for online calls, I am growing more and more disillusioned with online ways of connecting, such as messages and social media, and I don't attempt them as much. The best online groups I am a part of also meet together face-to-face fairly regularly, at least, and the online messages only enhance the existing offline relationships.
Jennifer: Connecting with people that are present with me is easier. We just spend quality time together. Friends and family back in my home country are harder to connect with because of time change and distance, but usually I do so with Facetime or texts.
See Beyond: How do you feel emotionally if you can’t connect with someone and process?
Bethany: Lonely. Sad. Disconnected.
Peter: I have experienced loss and loneliness when relationships didn't progress the way I had hoped. I would say the last year or two, I have felt more distant culturally from people in my host culture than I ever have in the past, and it hurts. Thanks to some counseling and to some good books, through prayer, I learned to validate my feelings of need and longing for the company and friendship of other people, and I learned to grieve the loss of desired relationships. I came across the expression "the happiness of unmet desires," and it is something I am meditating on.
Jennifer: I am such an external processor! So if I don’t have the ability to process something with someone, my thoughts just swirl. If I don’t have the ability to process a decision, I feel really anxious about making that decision.
See Beyond: How do you feel emotionally after you have connected with someone and processed?
Bethany: Known. Heard. Valued.
Peter: It is something I need, and I feel loved and heard after it. I feel connection.
Jennifer: I always, always, always feel 100% better after processing with someone.
Eye-Opening!
These conversation-life interviews helped shed new light on this subject for me and helped me to better understand the lives and thoughts of singles I know. This new insight has even stirred me to want to be a sounding board, a listening ear, a support for my single friends so that they, too, can have someone to process their story with.
What about you? If you are single, who do you process with?
See Beyond wants to help. We offer debriefing and Personalized Care for people who need support and encouragement, who feel lost and alone, who need a safe place to share their life story with.
If that’s you, please don’t hesitate to contact us. Having someone to journey alongside you is like someone carrying a glass of cold water up a dry and dusty path to find you in the desert.
