Giving the Gift of Listening in Your Marriage
Photo by Manuel Meurisse on Unsplash
“Are you ignoring me?”
“Did you hear what I said?”
“You never listen to me!”
Have you heard yourself saying these things lately? I have. I’ve also heard my spouse say them to me.
There is something deep inside each of us that longs to be listened to, longs to be heard.
A yearning.
Something powerful happens when we are heard. It makes us feel known. It makes us feel seen. It makes us feel important. It makes us feel worthy . . . worthy to be listened to. It makes us feel like we matter, like we exist.
Something powerful happens.
"Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.” —David W. Augsburger
When Was the Last Time?
When was the last time you really listened to your spouse? Uninterrupted. No questions. No comments.
This kind of listening is rare in our world. Rarely do we take the time to sit and really listen to our spouse—their story, their heart.
What might happen in our marriages if we took time to stop and listen?
Recently, I experienced both sides of this. I got to sit on the side of the table with my husband as the “listener,” and I also got to sit on the side of the table as the “storyteller.”
It was a powerful moment.
A Marriage Skill
My husband and I recently went through See Beyond’s Navigating Desires & Decisions in Marriage (formerly called Marriage Coaching). It was actually our second time through. The first time, two years ago, we went through the process as participants. This time, we went through as facilitators-in-training.
The first week, we learned the skill of “Other-Centered Listening.”
We talked again about the two kinds of listening: “Me-Centered Listening” and “Other-Centered Listening.”
We were reminded that “Me-Centered Listening” is what we naturally do when we listen to a podcast, a lecture, or a news broadcast. We listen for what is important to us, what we can learn, or how we can benefit.
“Other-Centered Listening,” on the other hand, is listening from the shoes of the other person. It’s listening to what’s important to them, not to us. It’s trying to hear the other person’s heart—what’s deep inside of them. It’s for their benefit, not ours.
In our first session, it was interesting and insightful to watch our facilitators lead the demonstration of our new skill—“Other-Centered Listening.” We all observed as they discussed a new, unrehearsed topic. One of them shared openly their thoughts and feelings on a subject, while the other listened.
Just listened.
For the listener, the focus of the conversation was to listen with the goal of really understanding his or her spouse’s perspective.
In this demonstration, the couple listened intently, focusing not on themselves, but on the other person.
It was amazing to watch the person sharing. Something powerful and intimate happened as her spouse took the time to intentionally stop and focus on what she had to say and what was important to her.
We could observe the effects of having someone listen, the effects of being heard, the effects of being known. The body language became relaxed and engaged. It was evident that the person felt invited in and opened up with a willingness to share even more.
How are you at listening?
Doing Our Homework
As our homework that week for Navigating Desires & Decisions in Marriage, we practiced this new “other-centered listening” skill together.
On Saturday morning, my husband and I went out to a salon de thé for a glass of mint tea and some Moroccan pastries. We sat outside on the patio, near the water, in the cool ocean breeze.
My husband told me that he wanted me to share first, so I chose the topic that was closest to my heart at that time. It was a subject that I’d been wanting to talk about for a while, but every time I brought it up, it turned into a huge argument.
I couldn’t wait to be listened to, to be heard. I needed to be heard.
It had been a long time since my husband and I had carved out time to sit and talk together like this. It had been a long time since I was given the opportunity to just share my heart uninterrupted—without judgment, without question.
It was freeing. It was powerful.
From time to time, my husband would reflect back to me what he heard me saying. He didn’t “parrot” word for word what I said, but he rephrased in his own words the “heart,” the “gist” of what I had said.
His listening was like a mirror to my soul. It helped clarify in my mind what I had been saying, helped me to rephrase things if I had not been communicating what I wanted, and helped me to know that my spouse was truly listening to me—listening to my heart.
It was beautiful.
My spouse was hearing my heart. It had been a long time.
A Priceless Gift
My husband was giving me something priceless. He was giving me the “gift of listening.”
I love flowers, I love a fine meal in a fancy restaurant, I love quiet walks together, I love weekend getaways, but this gift seemed to top them all.
This “gift of listening” is so rare, so precious in this life.
It’s not free for the listener, however. It costs something—it actually costs a lot. It costs time, energy, intentionality, silence, sacrifice. It costs self.
Yet, at the same time, it is priceless.
That morning, something happened when my husband gave me this gift. It broke down barriers between us. It built trust. It released my pent-up story—the one I’d been holding in for too long.
I could feel the effects—physical and emotional—and the healing power of telling my story.
It felt good. It deepened our relationship. It increased our intimacy. It unleashed our love for one another. There were no words to express my appreciation and love for my husband for giving me this precious gift—the “gift of listening.” At that point, there was only one thing that I could do and say.
I turned to my husband as we continued sitting on the outdoor patio, still listening to the distant roar of the ocean, still drinking our pot of mint tea, and I asked . . .
“Can I give you a gift—the ‘gift of listening’?”
