How to Identify Your Blind Spots—5 Ways

Photo by Yoann Boyer on Unsplash

After coming out of a difficult team situation, we met with our organization’s leaders to talk about what had happened.

At one point, something came up about me. Things didn’t seem to match up. The way my colleagues described me—my statements, my reactions, my attitudes, my behavior—didn’t sound like me at all. I actually wondered if they were talking about someone else. Perhaps they had the wrong person entirely.

“By the time others are describing you—to you—the figure they’re describing may bear only vague resemblance to the ‘you’ you know. We flinch, we squint, we shake our heads. We don’t recognize ourselves.”

— Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen in their book, Thanks for the Feedback—The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well.

“We all have blind spots,” our leader stated. “Perhaps you need to work on your self-awareness. Others seem to see you differently than you see yourself.”

“Blind spots? Self-awareness?” I thought to myself. “I know myself better than anyone else does.”

After more self-reflection during the following weeks and months, I began to come to a shocking realization. 

Perhaps I didn’t know myself all that well. Perhaps others knew me better than I knew myself. Perhaps others could see the real me that I couldn’t see. Perhaps there were parts of me to which I was blind. Perhaps I had “blind spots.”

We all have blind spots. 

What exactly is a blind spot?

“A blind spot is something we don’t see about ourselves that others do see,” describe Stone and Heen as they look at this phenomenon. “There is always a gap between the self we think we present and the way others see us. We may not recognize ourselves in others’ feedback, even when everyone else would agree that it’s the conventional wisdom about who we are and how we are.”

The authors go on to use the “Gap Map” to understand the various factors that create the discrepancy between the way we want to be seen and the way we are actually seen by others.

The “Gap Map” diagrams an arrow starting with “My Thoughts and Feelings.” These are then combined with “My Intentions” and “My Behavior.” As I interact with people—like my teammates—my behavior has an “Impact on them” which then becomes “Their Story About Me.” 

What I don’t know is that my thoughts, feelings, and intentions are sometimes misaligned with my behavior. As hard as I may try to keep this incongruence hidden, it “leaks out.” Others are actually more aware of my behavior than I am. I simply can’t see it.

According to Stone and Heen, I have . . . 

—A leaky face: Our facial expressions can be seen by others, but not by ourselves. We need a “mirror.”

—A leaky tone: Our tone of voice can be heard by others, but we can’t hear ourselves speak. We need “outside ears” like an opera singer needs a voice coach.

—Leaky patterns:Our big, seemingly obvious, patterns of behavior are often unseen by us and may surprise us when mentioned by friends and family who are close to us. 

Stone and Heen go on to identify “Three Blind-Spot Amplifiers”—those things that can intensify our inability to see our areas of weakness and needed growth. 

1. Emotional Math: “Emotions play a huge role in the gap between how others see us and how we assume we are seen. We subtract certain emotions from the equation: ‘That emotion is not really who I am.’ But others count it double: ‘That emotion is exactly who you are.’”

As an example, anger is an emotion that is often invisible to its owner, but is very visible and real to others. For those we interact with, “It’s not just part of the story, it’s the heart of the story.” On the other hand, we often see our strong emotions, like anger, as part of the environment rather than a part of us. We are blind to our own feelings, but others can clearly see them.

2. Situation Versus Character: If I am a part of something that does not go well, I may blame the situation for my actions. On the other hand, others may attribute my actions to my character and who I am as a person. 

3. Impact Versus Intent: According to Stone and Heen, “We judge ourselves by our intentions, while others judge us by our impacts.” Even great intentions can result in negative impact, and this creates a gap between your story about me and the story I think is “true” about me.

So, what do I do about all these gaps, discrepancies, and incongruences? How can I get a clearer and more accurate view of myself? 

Photo by Daniel Fazio on Unsplash

How to Bridge the Gap

Stone and Heen give some practical advice.

1. Use your reaction as a blind-spot alert: When someone gives you feedback, you may ask yourself, “What was their agenda? What’s wrong with them?” Rather, ask yourself, “Is their feedback sitting on my blind spot?”

2. Ask: “How do I get in my own way?”: Ask the feedback-giver specific questions to help you better understand. “What do you see me doing, or failing to do, that is getting in my own way?”

3.  Look for patterns and consistent feedback from multiple people: Ask yourself, “Where have I heard this before?” If you hear similar things from different people, you may be starting to identify patterns. Patterns give helpful clues about blind spots, and we had better start paying attention.

4. Get a second opinion: “When we offer feedback, it’s like we are holding up a mirror to help someone better see themselves. There are “supportive mirrors” that show us our best selves and give us reassurance. On the other hand, an “honest mirror” helps us to see what we really look like—not at our best. Look for both—supportive and honest mirrors.

Say to a friend, “Here’s feedback I just got. It seems wrong. My first reaction is to reject it. But, I wonder, is this feedback in a blind spot?” That opens the door for “supportive mirrors” to become “honest mirrors” as well.

5. Record Yourself: According to Stone and Heen, “It can be enormously illuminating, enabling us to hear our own tone and see our own behavior in ways that are normally invisible to us.”

6. Focus on change from the inside out: We can try to get our thoughts, feelings, and intentions to honestly align with our behavior and our impact on others. This takes time.

I am convinced now that I have blind spots. I have a leaky face, a leaky tone, and leaky patterns.

Although it was hard for me to hear some of the words from my leaders and comments from my colleagues, maybe I had better pay attention. My first reaction was to dismiss the comments, tell them that they were wrong about me, convince them that it wasn’t true. However, now that I’m reflecting more, perhaps some of those words and comments were landing on my blind spots. 

I’m thankful that I have a spouse and some friends who are both “supportive” and “honest” mirrors in my life. 

Maybe they can help me to see the story that I’m telling others—a story that may not be the same one that I have written about myself all these years.

I may need a digital recorder, mirrors, and foreign eyes, but I am determined to see myself more accurately, more honestly, and more clearly than ever before!

Guest author, Marci Renée, along with her French husband and four boys, is a global nomad who has traveled to more than 30 countries and has lived in the United States, France, Morocco, and Spain. She loves to travel, speak foreign languages, experience different cultures, eat ethnic foods, meet people from faraway lands, and of course, write and tell stories. She is a published author of children's picture books, memoirs, short stories, and poetry.

You can find Marci and her books on her website.

"The Cultural Story-Weaver," at www.culturalstoryweaver.com